


I Could

by ZenyZootSuit



Series: To Anyone [2]
Category: Blue Bloods (TV)
Genre: Coda, Danny was so out of character in that episode so stuck it in my universe where it made sense, Discussion of Mental Health, Discussion of Past Suicide Attempt, Discussion of past character death, Episode Tag, Gen, Passive Suicidality, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Smoking, The author tried to be canon compliant, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, discussion of past rape, s07e03 The Price of Justice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-23 14:22:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16160669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZenyZootSuit/pseuds/ZenyZootSuit
Summary: It was years ago, and he was over it. That is, of course, until he wasn't.





	I Could

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags please. This is part of the "To Anyone" universe. If you haven't read that story, you can still probably read this one, but it'll make more sense if you read To Anyone first. Mind the warnings on that one too, I deal with some deep stuff in all of these. 
> 
> I just felt that Danny was so out of character when I first watched this episode, however I also noted that it would make perfect sense placed in my universe, given what I put poor Danny through, so I took it and ran with it. This is, or course, based off an episode and I do prefer to try and fit the narrative within the confines of the episode as much as possible to make it seem more real, so any dialogue that can be attributed to the episode is not mine and I do not claim it to be so. Enjoy!

 

_It was years ago_ , he kept having to remind himself. _I’m over it._

Mostly.

Every once in a while, a nightmare would pop up, a casual touch would make him jump out of his skin. Every once in a while, a case would get to him. Like this one.

Walking carefully around the woman -Emily’s- apartment, listening as she told her story -damn it was brutal-, he found himself chewing on his cheek hard enough to draw blood as his skin prickled unpleasantly. He stepped out into the hall for a breath of air.

*******

They had picked up the bastard, though their efforts were futile as Emily had decided not to press charges, which was fine with Danny. Sure, he never liked to watch a rapist walk free but what he hated more was watching a survivor try and nail them only to get dragged through the mud, blamed, and thrown back out onto the street while their abuser practically got an apology. He did not blame her for wanting to just go back to her life.

Baez did not understand, which Danny didn’t blame her for. As far as he knew she’d never been witness to the nastiest of rape trials, had never been in that position herself. He let her scoff at him.

Then she went over his head and involved his sister.

He got it, he supposed. It was unlike him to not fight tooth and nail for a case, but this one was dragging up shit he’d rather stay buried. 

It wasn’t as if he’d told her what had happened years ago. 

He missed Jackie.

_Do you really think a man could understand what she went through?_ she’d asked him. _Yes_. He’d bitten his tongue hard enough to draw blood and tried to explain to her how nasty rape trials could be. She didn’t seem to believe him.

It was Erin’s job to review decisions of her riding DA’s, yada yada, except when it was Danny who asked her to, he grouched.

“Yeah, that’s fine. It’s just that I’m usually looped-in on things like that.”

Erin was eyeing him accusingly, like she thought he wasn’t pursuing this case because he didn’t want to drudge up old memories. He wouldn’t lie that he wanted off the case, but mostly he didn’t want to see someone else get torn apart like he had on the stand. Or maybe that was just what he was telling himself, but he was’t gonna think too hard on it.

She got why the office declined to prosecute, she said. BUT, she was going for it anyway. He gave his sister and partner the stink eye and went back to his paperwork. His therapist would ask him to think through what he was feeling in that moment. Fuck that.

Erin sighed. “Danny, let’s talk.”

“No thanks.”

“Danny-“

“Forget it.”

*******

Erin’s attempts to convince Emily to testify failed. Baez had insisted they keep working the case and they had come up with scratch.

“It was worth a try,” Baez sighed.

“Hey, if you say so.”

She threw him a look. “What’s going on with you? I’m sick of this attitude.”

“We’ve got other cases to work, and besides, there’s no point in chasing our tail on this one anymore.”

“In case you didn’t hear,” she said slowly, as if he couldn’t understand her, “your sister is charging this guy.”

“Because you pushed the case without checking with me first.”

That pissed her off. “Last time I checked, my shield is just as gold as yours!”

Danny rolled his eyes. “That’s not what I meant.”

She knocked his shoulder to keep him from turning away. “No you’ve been very clear from the beginning that you don’t think this case is worth pursuing, but I do. I don’t need your permission.”

He sighed. “It’s not about what I think, it’s about how the system works.”

“No, Danny, it’s about taking a rapist off the streets! I shouldn’t have to tell you that.”

“You want to know what’d going on with me?” He bit his tongue a second too late to stop the words. Sometimes he hated when he made split second decisions.

Baez turned back to him just as the elevator dinged. “Yes, I would love to. Please enlighten me.”

“Five or six years ago, I was raped.” He only ever managed to make it through conversations like this because watching people’s eyes turn into dinner plates was pretty entertaining.

“I chased a perp into a dead end alone cuz I’m stupid like that-“

Yes, his therapist would give him the stink eye for talking like that, but she wasn’t here so fuck that.

“-missed perp #2 who knocked me out, dragged me into a warehouse with the intent to hold me for ransom, beat the shit outta me and decided raping their hostage was a mighty fine idea. Cut and dry first degree rape. The problem was, the defense didn’t see it that way. See, that seedy lawyer dug up every bit of dirt there ever was on me and tried to smear me as a fool with a concussion who couldn’t accurately identify a ham sandwich and who probably wasn’t even raped at all cuz he froze and couldn’t fight back.”

He always hated that part. A good many people were apt to blame him instead when that came to light.

“And you know what, it almost stuck. They’re gonna go in and do the exact same thing to Emily except with his fancy lawyers and this messy case, they’re gonna make it stick.” 

Baez stared at him like a deer in the headlights.

“Read my case file if you want and compare it to hers. Then take what I just told you about those disgusting defense lawyers and see how well you think a public trial would turn out for her.”

She was quiet for a long moment. “...Did he go away?”

“Yeah. Both of ‘em.”

Baez swallowed. “…I’m sorry that happened to you, but I still think this case is worth pursuing, so we can put her abuser behind bars. Just like yours were.” She turned to leave.

“Where’re you going?!”

“I’m going to the hospital to question the doctors and nurses that treated Emily.”

Danny sighed. “C’mon, I’ll drive you.”

“No, I’ll walk. I could use some fresh air.” The door to the stairwell clicked shut behind her.

His bronchial tubes chose that moment to squeeze shut, lungs making a horrible wheezing sound as he drew in air. _You can breathe, it just feels like you can’t_ , he reminded himself. Just like Jackie had said, you got better at handling them. He leaned against the wall as he waited to get his breath back, fingers itching for a cigarette. His wife had made him quit two years prior, he lamented. She’d kill him if she caught him smelling like smoke again.

*******

He was not looking forward to Sunday dinner. He suspected Erin was going to roast him about trying to avoid the case. He may no longer be able to be diagnosed with PTSD (or maybe he was just a good actor and a better liar), but he still hated talking about anything related to what had happened.

The actual dinner went by without a hitch, conversation being focused around his father’s high profile friend and Jamie’s current gig. After dinner though, when Erin got the call that the judge had thrown out the case, that’s when the proverbial shit hit the fan.

“Hate to say it, but I did tell you so.” He’d spent the past two nights sweating out some nice nightmares, so do forgive him.

“What’s your problem, Danny?”

“What are you talking about?”

“How many times have you asked me to pursue a long shot case because you wanted justice?”

“Well, see, in those cases the victim was willing to testify.”

Erin stared at him incredulously. “Emily Harrison was raped and beaten. She’s traumatized and scared.”

Danny nodded. “I get it.”

“Do you? I mean, I would have thought you of all people would!”

Danny bit his lip hard.“Look, you and I both know that without Emily’s testimony, that bastard’s hotshot lawyer will get him off!”

“You’re probably right.”

“We both know I’m right. But you know what pisses me off? That you knew that and you still tried to take it forward anyway. At least before this, she was the one in control, it was _her_ decision not to press charges, _her_ decision to get on with her life. Now she gets to go on with the knowledge that a judge thought her case was a load of shit. You know what that feels like? Pretty fucking bad.”

He turned back to the dishes, hearing Erin draw in a breath. Oh boy.

“But it’s our job to pursue justice for victims who have nowhere else to turn. You know who taught me that? You.”

He set down the dish in his hands, turning back to her, exasperated. “A messy trial is not going to help her, Erin.”

“I’m sure you rest easier at night knowing those perps are behind bars. If there’s even a chance of success, we should take it!”

Danny shook his head, sighing heavily.

“As horrible as it was in the moment, it ended and you’re still here,” Erin reminded him. His mouth twitched.

“Yeah, and if Dad hadn’t walked off with my off duty piece when he did, I probably wouldn’t be, completely because of that stupid trial.”

Erin smacked him. He probably deserved that. Yes, he was supposed to be working to stop lashing out like that but damn it.

His sister glared at him. “You don’t get to use your suicide attempt argumentatively.”

He stared right back at her. “I didn’t attempt suicide. And it’s the truth.”

“Go to hell, Danny.”

He turned back to the dishes. “With pleasure.”

*******

He would never admit it, but his sister and partner had gotten to him. They were right, his motivation behind his decisions regarding the case had been biased. He needed to fix that.

So he met up with the girl, and they devised a plan to catch the bastard red handed. How he caught onto it, Danny had no idea. So instead, he sent the freak a message. 35,000 cops on the lookout for one false move. Guys like him wouldn’t listen, of course, Danny lamented, but they would catch him. Eventually.

With the case finally over and done with, Danny breathed a sigh of relief, moving on to a gang shooting in the Bronx. He could forget this now and go back to his regularly scheduled life.

That is, until his father called and told him he was expected down at the pier directly after his shift.

“Fuck,” he grumbled as he hung up the phone, returning to sifting through the pile of evidence. He could feel his partner’s eyes boring into him.

“Everything okay, Reagan?” He was, under no circumstances, supposed to get pissed off at people showing concern for him, as he was often wont to do. Apparently it was a form of avoidance. Baez had done pretty good after he’d told her what had happened. Better than most others. Still, it was the little things that got under his skin. He wanted to forget about it and he wanted everyone else to do the same. He guessed that wasn’t realistic.

“Yep, everything’s fine.”

She nodded and turned back to her work, glancing at him every so often.

“You know I can see you when you do that.”

She looked back up. “Do what?”

“Throw little glances at me all the time.”

She snorted. “Don’t flatter yourself, it’s not you I’m looking at.”

He glanced behind him. The new detective was working over there. His wife had commented that he was quite pretty. Objectively, Danny could see it. He laughed and went back to work.

*******

He’d had to park out in the damn boonies to go meet his father at the pier.

_S’good for ya,_ he thought, mildly annoyed. Too many people in this city. His trek over to the pier led him down several blocks and through a park. He guessed he would’ve been late anyway, but especially so, cuz lo and behold who did he just happen to run into.

“Danny!”

“Jackie!” He gave her a hug, which she enthusiastically returned.

“It’s so good to see you,” she said, pulling away.

“You too. Didn’t know you were back in town.”

She nodded. They talked briefly about generic topics, what have you been up to, how’s the wife, etc. as they moseyed through the park. 

“How you doing, Danny?” she asked after a while, undoubtedly noticing the dark circles which had begun to form anew under his eyes and fixed him with her look that said ‘tell me off or answer me truthfully but don’t skirt my question.’

“…Better. Better, I guess,” he answered honestly.

“You guess?”

He snorted. “Overall yes. Nasty case this week. Got to me a bit. Was kinda…letting my desire to get rid of the case override the need to do my damn job, you know? Ended up having to explain myself to my partner, which is always fun.”

“She good?”

“She’s good. Better than most people when they first hear it.”

She nodded. “Where you off to now?”

“Gotta meet my old man on the pier.”

“Well that sounds ominous.”

Danny laughed. “Yeah, probably. Kinda…said something stupid to my sister in the heat of the moment and I’m probably gonna get roasted for it.”

Jackie fixed him with a look that said she knew exactly what kind of stupid he meant and slipped her arm through his. He had always appreciated her casual shows of support. With the pier now in sight, the two leaned against each other for a long moment before Jackie turned to give him another hug.

“Well, good luck. Actually try to stay in touch this time, okay?”

Danny hugged her back. “Will do. You take care now, okay?”

She nodded and continued on her way.

Danny mused that maybe he and his former partner harbored a little too much affection for each other. Goddamnit he’d just missed her is all. He shoved the thought away.

*******

His father was not at all amused at his tardiness.

“As your grandfather once put it, why can’t you be consistently 15 minutes on time?”

“Sorry, Pop, I had to park out in the boonies, then I ran into my old partner, Jackie, you remember her?”

Frank nodded once, fixing Danny with a look that told him to stop stalling. “I assume you know why you’re here.”

Danny sighed. “It was a rough case, Pop. I’ll admit it got to me. I had to tell my current partner about what happened. I was a little rattled and said something stupid is all. I didn’t mean it.”

Frank looked out over the water from behind his sunglasses. “‘If Dad didn’t walk off with my off duty piece when he did, I probably wouldn’t be here,’” he quoted. It sounded shittier hearing his father say it than it did when he’d said it. “Was that true?”

Danny hung his head “I dunno, Dad, it was five years ago. What does it matter?”

Frank didn’t bother to answer. Danny hadn’t expected him to. “You still seeing that doctor?”

“Yes.”

“How often?”

Danny shrugged. “Every couple months or so.”

“If you’re still talking like that you might want to see her more often.”

Danny chewed on his cheek. “I can no longer be diagnosed with PTSD. I’m fine.”

Frank sighed heavily, voice losing its hard edge. “Danny…nobody expects you to be immune to any case, let alone ones that hit so close to home. That holds true even if you can no longer be diagnosed.”

Danny said nothing, so Frank continued. “But what you say does have an effect on other people. You may not have actually attempted suicide or have even seriously considered it, but there was a time when a lot of us thought you would, and that was very scary.”

There was the tiniest crack in his father’s voice. Inaudible, if you didn’t know him. Danny hated himself, just a little.

“I’m sorry for what I said. I was full of shit.” It didn’t matter that Frank didn’t believe him.

“If I were you,” he said, looking back over the water in full Commissioner mode. “I would bend your knees the next time you see her. She might tackle you.” Danny huffed a laugh. “And I should tell you. You really upset her. She talked to Jamie about it to. Last I talked to him, he was pretty angry.”

“Great. Does my wife know too?”

“Probably.”

“Lovely.”

“Danny…” Frank took his son by the shoulder. “Take care of yourself, okay? This family needs you.”

Danny shook his head. “Look, Dad, maybe I did consider it or maybe I didn’t, I don’t really remember.” That was a dirty lie and both he and his father knew it. He wasn’t sure what had prompted him to try and say it. “All I know is I wouldn’t dream of it now.” That was the truth, though. Frank believed him then, hugging him tightly. “And I know I gotta watch what I say when I’m pissed off,” he continued when his father let go. “I’m…I’m working on it.”

Frank smiled at him.

It was Danny’s turn to direct his attention out over the water. “I guess I gotta call my siblings and apologize now, don’t I?”

“Probably for the best.”

*******

He repeated his spiel and his assurances to his sister, which she readily accepted after thoroughly scolding him one more time, which was fine.

His brother was pissed, but understanding, though he did not accept Danny’s apology for what he said, telling him instead to watch his mouth next time, that if his assurances were expected to be true, the only reason he would have said something like that would be to flat out hurt somebody, which was unacceptable.

Yeah, that was true too.

His wife refused to talk to him for two days, which he also deserved, and which really hammered home his brother’s point.

“Maybe there was a time when I would’ve considered it,” he told his wife’s back. “But that time is not now, and hasn’t been for years.”

‘I’m sorry’ really doesn’t mean much, does it?

“It’s okay to still have struggles,” his therapist told him the next time he saw her, right after she made him extensively process what had motivated him to say such an inflammatory thing, true or not. “Especially after a rough case.”

He nodded. _I should be over this by now_ , was what he didn’t tell her, because he knew what she’d say.

*******

Sunday dinner was, to say the least, rough. Linda still wasn’t speaking to him, even more so now that he had picked his smoking habit back up (sue him). It is very difficult to be around family when as a couple when you aren’t speaking to each other. They both were leveled with confused looks, then Danny was leveled with nasty ones once it became clear exactly what was going on. To be honest, Danny was sick of it.

The uncharacteristic silence got to him half way through dinner and he excused himself to go outside and smoke. Linda’s muttered remark about there being quicker ways to kill himself if that’s what he wanted so badly stopped him dead in his tracks. He turned to stare at her, shocked.

Maybe he deserved that, but in front of his sons? That he didn’t appreciate. Not at all.

_You’re in public_ , he reminded himself before he picked up his other old habit of yelling at his wife. In the end he spun on his heel and continued outside.

Three cigarettes in, he heard the back door open and his brother materialized on the step to his right.

“You know, I agree, what Linda said back there was horrible, but you’re kinda proving her point sitting out here chain-smoking.”

Danny hummed in response, not looking at his brother. Until his cigarette was swiped out of his hand.

“Seriously?” he hissed, turning to look at Jamie, who gave him a look and took a drag. That surprised Danny. “Since when do you smoke?”

“Since you keep taking years off my life.”

Danny hated himself, just a little bit more. Jamie took another drag before handing the cigarette back to Danny. “You know, ever since Joe died, I’ve had nightmares about carrying his coffin at his funeral.”

“I didn’t know that, no.”

“And ever since…what happened five years ago, those nightmares have morphed into me carrying yours.”

Danny froze solid. Shit. He hung his head.

“God, Jamie…”

“You’re my only remaining brother. I can’t lose you, too. The family can’t lose you, too.” He sighed and took the cigarette back from Danny. “Honestly, we’re all still afraid one day we’ll get the call that you ate your gun. And I’m not telling you that to make you feel guilty. I’m telling you to remind you that we love and that we need you.”

Danny was silent for a long moment. “I know, Jamie…”

“Good.”

Danny looked over at his brother. “Now give me that, before Linda kills me for corrupting you.”

Jamie smirked and handed the cigarette back. “You have terrible taste in tobacco,” he said, pulling a pack out of the pocket of his jacket. “These are better.” Danny stared incredulously at his brother. Jamie stared right back.

“You know, you used to go on and on about me calling you when I’m feeling bad, and occasionally you still do. You know that goes both ways, right?” It was Danny’s turn to swipe the cigarette out of Jamie’s hand and toss it in the snow. “Something’s bothering you, you pick up the phone and you call me, got it?”

Jamie nodded. Danny remained unconvinced.

“Well, c’mon then. Spill the beans. What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing. Just the job, you know? So no, it wasn’t you and your ill-advised comments and chain-smoking habit that ‘corrupted me’.”

Danny frowned at his brother. “Well, quit while you’re ahead, before you get too hooked.”

“Only if you do.”

Danny was not whole unconvinced Jamie had that pack of cigarettes just to pull this trick.

“…Fine. Both of us leave our packs here tonight then.”

“Alright with me.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

Danny threw an arm around his baby brother’s shoulders. 

“Hang in there, baby brother.”

Jamie rested his head on Danny’s shoulder. “You too, Danny.” After a little while, Jamie spoke up again. “And if you ever use what happened five years ago in a fight to hurt somebody again, I’ll break your fucking nose.”

Danny huffed a laugh at the sound of his normally so restrained brother swearing. “I don’t doubt it, Jamie.”

 

**_El Fin_ **

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think if you feel like it. I could hardly pass up the opportunity to whale on Jamie just a little bit. Might do more with that. Thank you again!


End file.
